Back from the hole and feeling confused

Three days ago I finished the last exam of my high school life and three months of holiday is  waiting before me. And yeah, this means I will be able to read books, watch anime and blog again. Such a great news, yes?!

Unfortunately, I will just be straight to the point. You know, in the past few months, I kept promising that I would make it up this holiday. I said that I would be more active after national exams were done. The truth is, I find it really hard to write posts now. I know that I’m allowed to come back to my old blogging routine slowly but right now it feels like I’m trying to grip into thin air.

Back then, it was so easy. All I need to do was sit in front of my laptop and words and sentences would come so naturally. Now it’s taking forever just to express my thoughts. I have been brainstorming a few ideas but I have no clue how to put them into words. Is this how it supposed to feel? I mean I have been waiting for this time to come back from my hiatus and I’m really disappointed that it turns out like this.

I wonder how long this phase will last. I hope it’s almost the same like being in a school orientation, in which everything seems alien at first. But one day, it will be a routine I most look forward to.

What do you think about my problem? Have you ever felt like this before? Do you have any tips for me?

All I want for Christmas is …

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Sneak peek for my yearbook photos!! xD

It’s still a little too early to say ‘Merry Christmas’ but hey, it’s definitely not too early to start planning on how to spend the holiday 😉

A little recap

Unlike the previous years, we have to continue our lessons because we twelfth graders still have a lot of topics to catch up to. And everything seems to be worse since I take science program haha. Much to my disappointment, I can’t relax as much as I would like to but yeah, so far this is better than nothing. Other than that, there’s also religion practical examination — our very first practical examination — which is doing charity. Continue reading All I want for Christmas is …

Maybe it’s time for miracles

oceanOctober starts to run out of days and so is the year 2015. Only two full months are left, but with the end of the year comes one of the most dreaded things for students: final exams.

I have done nothing but studying for the past few weeks, made a lot of sacrifices in order to prepare for my current exams, tried to get more sleep for a maximum result but did I get what I was working for? I don’t know, I just took the test today, and somehow my confidence is sinking each second. People say you will be happier once you stop caring but it’s a whole different story for me, who has always cared too much.

Things are harder at school this term. I never really needed to make all these sacrifices before. If I had a science test on Monday, I would spend the Saturday relaxing and do what I like instead of revising for my next exam like what I have been doing this term. (Ironically, I used to get much better marks compared to my physics and math midterm last month.)

Sometimes I wonder when I will stop fearing. I wonder when I will be able to write my answers in full confidence like I used to. It’s hard being in the spotlight, especially when you have to live up to people’s expectation and meet the standards you give for yourself.

I hope next time will be better. (Though I could use some miracles right now.)




the busiest days of my life & a big event to plan for

Mid term exams ended last week and the results began to come out one by one. My physics and math grades dropped and that’s pretty disappointing  especially since I’m a tutor, but thank goodness the rest of them are nothing to worry about.

Even though exam week has ended, we still have quizzes coming up and assignments to submit. And the most nerve-wracking thing of all?? I’m turning 17 on on the 9th (it’s 3 days away!!) and my family will throw a dinner in celebration. We have been preparing for a few weeks and all I can say is I’m so damn grateful it only happens once haha. We have already booked a restaurant, found a dress (I love the color — it’s electric blue!) and printed the invitations. I only need to spread them to my friends.

But here comes the hardest part of event planning: guest list. I plan to invite around 50 people, 60 at most. (That doesn’t include my family by the way.) And I’m having trouble of choosing who not to invite. I mean, should I invite back those who have invited me to their birthdays even if we’re not that close or should I invite my former classmates who are also in the same class as me? And I kinda feel bad for those whom I often exchange greetings with when we pass in the hallways but eventually don’t make the cut.

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These are my invitations. I tried to keep them simple and minimalist.


Yeah. I think it’s pretty darn stressful so I initially didn’t want any parties. But one of my best friends says that 17th birthday is once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, the age in which we are considered an adult in my country. So it’s better if I go with my parents suggestion and hold a dinner celebration. The dinner is still on the 17th but I wish I had a time machine so I can skip all the anxiety…

The good news is, next week we will have a few days break when we can finally rest and relax, even if it’s only for a short time. Well, better than nothing 🙂 My pile of books have been tempting me to read them anyway.

the lack of “me” time: a confession

For nearly my whole life, I had always thought that I was a hardcore introvert. I mean, I thought I was quiet and shy. I thought I would always prefer solitary activities (such as reading). I thought I hated spending time outside my house. Those labels I put on myself led me to believe that I would stay that way until the rest of my life.

I have changed a lot though — shockingly. I’m more outgoing and talkative that I find it difficult to be alone at school. I feel like I just HAVE to socialize with my friends during break times, which I used to spend reading books alone in my corner. If I’m free at weekends, I will go to the mall with my friends and watch movies or basically just hang out at the food court. Some nights, we go to birthday parties or dinners (which are a huge thing especially in 11th and 12th grade — you know, sweet seventeen and all). Hence, my lack of reading time.

As my social life becomes more active, I realize that I haven’t had a “me” time for a long time. When was the last time I finished a book in one sitting? More than a month ago. When was the last time I read my favorite manga series? A few days ago, but before that, I hadn’t been really updated with Haikyuu!!,  Tokyo Ghoul:re and a bunch of other series. Which was why I dedicated that specific day to catch up with Haikyuu!!. But even after that, I could only manage to read a few chapters before I ended up doing other things…

Those are the solitary activities I usually find happiness in doing but what happen? Am I happy now? YES. Do I miss my “me” time though? YES. I’m always striking for balance, but most of the time, I fail terribly and neglect one of them.

This is what’s going on in my life right now. But in the end, sacrifices have to be made. I enjoy interacting with other people and I think for now, it’s the thing that gives me the most happiness. Why is that? Soon, I and my friends will walk different paths and more likely, we won’t be able to be as close as we are now. It’s my final year and I have mentioned multiple times here that I want to make the best of it. I can read my books sometime in the future. I can still watch my anime or read my manga later. But senior year isn’t going to repeat itself.

That doesn’t mean I’m leaving the blogosphere. I can never throw this blog away. In a way, it’s like my “baby”. I started it from zero and have raised it until the way it is now. But do expect more non-bookish posts from now on. I’m still resolved to finish my TBR pile at home though so it’s not like there won’t be reviews anymore 😀

*forever drowning in my TBR pile and anime list* I mean, hot damn, have you seen fall anime titles? HAIKYUU!! S2. NORAGAMI S2. OWARI NO SERAPH S2. ONE PUNCH MAN. SUBETE GA F NI NARU.