a completely non-bookish rant

Hey all! This is just a completely random post I wrote just to let you know that I am, indeed, still alive.

I have been really busy this with school activities like retreat in mid-August and preparations for test week, then the actual test week. And also, thanks to this year’s new curriculum there has been more group work than ever and you can tell that I am not exactly happy with that. Some of you might have seen my rant on twitter a while ago and I actually swore which I’m not actually used to doing online. (However, in real life, honestly I do swear sometimes.)

I’m very very scared of getting bad grades — I don’t want to upset my parents because I’m the only child and my parents often say sentimental things like, “You’re our only hope, the only one that can make us proud” or something like, “You must study hard and get good grades! Other things don’t matter!” *oh, the pressure of an only child* And because I have been told those kinds of words since I was young, I don’t mean to brag but I have never taken any remedial or make-up tests…I usually get good grades and sometimes when I’m not lucky I get bad ones but thank goodness I still pass the minimum standard.

Earlier this week I felt really depressed because I made a ridiculously stupid and careless mistake during my math test. And we all know that saying “history repeats itself” right?? Cause it absolutely fits for my case as I repeated the same mistake AGAIN on my history and physics tests. Blame my careless self for that.

These negative thoughts about failing have taken over my brain for the past few days and I realize that even though sometimes I feel like, “ugh, why do I have to study?? Screw this stupid test I’m exhausted” and pretend that I’m not gonna study or care for the fact that I will flunk it…there will ALWAYS be that part of me which still wants to get perfect grades and I end up studying anyways. Till midnight. (And because of that I’ve had huge eyebags for a few days but anyway this is not important.)

There’s a reason why Akashi is my favorite character…I think he is a character that I can relate to on so many levels…We are both the only child and so we are pressured to be the best… We both have parents with unbelievably high expectations for us… And we have experienced winning (in my case good grades) so many times that I think they don’t matter anymore, that at some point of my life I actually want to get a bad score just to know how it feels like. But when we are cornered to such situation we realize that they are important to us anyway. That we have won/gotten good grades for as long as we know and we are quite not ready to let them go or step out of our comfort zone.

Sorry for getting really emotional on this post but I just want to get this off my chest…I totally understand if you guys stop reading somewhere over these jumbled mess AKA thoughts of mine… I hope I didn’t sound selfish or ungrateful.

But I have felt a little bit better today… I hung out with my best friends at the mall and we watched a movie together… And during that time I was able to momentarily forgot all my worries. Btw, I ALSO GOT PERCY JACKSON GREEK GODS!!!! *cue screaming*

I still have tests coming up next week and hopefully I will do them better.

On a completely unrelated thing, there’s going to be national and international universities exhibition at my school on Monday and I’m so very excited to visit the booths! Especially Melbourne and British Columbia…There’d better be their booths haha! (Yeah, US is not an option and I have managed to cut down the others…I decided that if I were to go to school abroad, it would be either Canada or Australia.)

If you didn’t stop reading, thank you very much! I know I haven’t been very active lately and I’m really sorry for that. A lot of things are going on in my life and I also have terrible time management skills…

Your Opinions Needed – My Anxiety is Acting Up … Again

Okay. I might be a little over-anxious over here, but I am truly nervous with the outcome of my own decision. In case you didn’t know, two months ago I confessed that I had been regretting my blog name for the past few months and up until now I still dislike my current name — Pansycake Reader.

Over the past couple of months ever since I published that post, I had been brainstorming my new blog name and finally found one that suited me. So “the journey” to this new name was pretty hard, I came up with a few silly names before ultimately I settled to one name… and then I realized that “one name” was too similar to another blog name so I ended up tweaking the name again. I have finally decided on a name, albeit still has relation to my original choice, it is not similar to any blog names. At least when I googled it nothing came out so that’s good. The name still has something bookish though so this is where my anxiety begins.

I love my new name. It’s different. And it’s shorter than my current name. I want to make the change. However, I am afraid that I will lose my readers. I am afraid that you won’t like the new name. I am afraid that my new name won’t be memorable enough. Here’s the thing I wanna ask you guys:

Will you remember me? Even though I am not Pansycake Reader anymore?

Oh my god, I sound like someone who’s about to quit blogging xD But trust me, I am NOT quitting anytime soon.

So that’s what I need to get off my chest. The change will happen this weekend cause I need a fast internet connection so I could move quickly and let you guys know and my internet is as slow as snail this time — it will get faster later this week so weekends!