a completely non-bookish rant

Hey all! This is just a completely random post I wrote just to let you know that I am, indeed, still alive.

I have been really busy this with school activities like retreat in mid-August and preparations for test week, then the actual test week. And also, thanks to this year’s new curriculum there has been more group work than ever and you can tell that I am not exactly happy with that. Some of you might have seen my rant on twitter a while ago and I actually swore which I’m not actually used to doing online. (However, in real life, honestly I do swear sometimes.)

I’m very very scared of getting bad grades — I don’t want to upset my parents because I’m the only child and my parents often say sentimental things like, “You’re our only hope, the only one that can make us proud” or something like, “You must study hard and get good grades! Other things don’t matter!” *oh, the pressure of an only child* And because I have been told those kinds of words since I was young, I don’t mean to brag but I have never taken any remedial or make-up tests…I usually get good grades and sometimes when I’m not lucky I get bad ones but thank goodness I still pass the minimum standard.

Earlier this week I felt really depressed because I made a ridiculously stupid and careless mistake during my math test. And we all know that saying “history repeats itself” right?? Cause it absolutely fits for my case as I repeated the same mistake AGAIN on my history and physics tests. Blame my careless self for that.

These negative thoughts about failing have taken over my brain for the past few days and I realize that even though sometimes I feel like, “ugh, why do I have to study?? Screw this stupid test I’m exhausted” and pretend that I’m not gonna study or care for the fact that I will flunk it…there will ALWAYS be that part of me which still wants to get perfect grades and I end up studying anyways. Till midnight. (And because of that I’ve had huge eyebags for a few days but anyway this is not important.)

There’s a reason why Akashi is my favorite character…I think he is a character that I can relate to on so many levels…We are both the only child and so we are pressured to be the best… We both have parents with unbelievably high expectations for us… And we have experienced winning (in my case good grades) so many times that I think they don’t matter anymore, that at some point of my life I actually want to get a bad score just to know how it feels like. But when we are cornered to such situation we realize that they are important to us anyway. That we have won/gotten good grades for as long as we know and we are quite not ready to let them go or step out of our comfort zone.

Sorry for getting really emotional on this post but I just want to get this off my chest…I totally understand if you guys stop reading somewhere over these jumbled mess AKA thoughts of mine… I hope I didn’t sound selfish or ungrateful.

But I have felt a little bit better today… I hung out with my best friends at the mall and we watched a movie together… And during that time I was able to momentarily forgot all my worries. Btw, I ALSO GOT PERCY JACKSON GREEK GODS!!!! *cue screaming*

I still have tests coming up next week and hopefully I will do them better.

On a completely unrelated thing, there’s going to be national and international universities exhibition at my school on Monday and I’m so very excited to visit the booths! Especially Melbourne and British Columbia…There’d better be their booths haha! (Yeah, US is not an option and I have managed to cut down the others…I decided that if I were to go to school abroad, it would be either Canada or Australia.)

If you didn’t stop reading, thank you very much! I know I haven’t been very active lately and I’m really sorry for that. A lot of things are going on in my life and I also have terrible time management skills…

4 thoughts on “a completely non-bookish rant”

  1. You don’t have to apologise for being emotional! Sitting exams was the most stressful period of my life. I would not like to repeat it.

    Hang in there! Try not to let the pressure get to you. I know many professors and academics who are all fabulous and all powerful and a fair number of them have failed at least one test in their time. I mean, this doesn’t help with the pressure but maybe that fact helps with, like, what to do if you feel like you’re not great at all tests.

    If I am not helping, here is a cinemagraph to calm you! I always find the frozen nature of the photo contrasted with the moving water calms me http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7tx1d5Ivm1rqd92do1_500.gif

    <3 <3

  2. I can definitely understand the pressure to be the only child. Sounds to me you’re a really great student (better than me 🙂 I’m sure your parents are very proud of you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting excellence, especially on things that you’re good at. But please remember that “to err is human” Breathe. You’re doing great!

  3. This is all completely okay! I know my comment is a little late but I just want you to know that we’re all here for you no matter. I can completely understand where you’re coming from with the pressure. I’m not an only child but I have an extremely smart older brother and my parents always expect me to do as well as he did. And well, I never do. But the thing is, I don’t mind because I feel like I manage to be a really happy person. One of my favourite quotes ever is “success isn’t final and failure isn’t fatal.” It reminds me to stay in a good mood all the time. The amount of times I’ve made silly mistakes in maths test isn’t even countable but ultimately, it won’t affect my life whatsoever. I really hope everything works out for you! Just remember that there’s nothing wrong with having fun every now and then. You live for yourself and for nobody else. You have to love yourself before you can give love. Best of luck!

  4. Hey Kezia! Wow I miss you I’ve been gone a lot too. Though your reasons are way better than mine haha! I’ve just been lazy to be honest. Don’t worry about the studying! You should just do your best and be happy with your results! I have to get good grades too (Asian parents haha), but I just do what I think is best and avoid over stressing myself. And ooh you’re looking at studying abroad? That’s awesome! Haha I live in BC, Canada actually 😉 what schools are you look at?

    – Ariella

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